My First Impressions with Divination are Often Wrong

The other day I was shuffling my cards and Death fell out of the deck and onto the floor. After calming myself from my unfortunate "oh no the death card someone I love is going to die aren't they" anxious reaction (that I really wish wouldn't happen, because that is completely unwarranted, Death doesn't mean death necessarily, in fact it usually doesn't) I looked up the meanings again to ponder why that particular card would fall out. I also looked up the cards in the middle of the deck and at the end opposite to which I replaced Death:

• Death is representative of cycles and their...erm...cycling. It can mean one ending, it can mean letting go, it can mean all sorts of things referring to cyclical "stuff goes on it doesn't just end get over yourself" things.
• 10 Cups can be yay family, but it's supposed to be a yay-card in general. Just, yays are afoot. The yays are coming be on the lookout for the yays. Yay.
• 8 Swords is a lot about emotion, and not in the best of ways -- it seems to go with those more negative feelings, like being trapped, being vulnerable...self-sabotage also comes up (using the Tarot Bible because key words are good for lazy people like me)

Considering that I drew these a day or so before I returned to school for my final semester, I would say these are pretty relevant. After all, graduating college is the end of a cycle, in a sense, the end of an era (and something, like with the Death card itself, I need to keep reminding myself doesn't mean an end to everything, just a turned page). The Ten of Cups idea of good things around -- that's good. That's comforting. And comfort in any degree is quite welcome when the future is causing me so much anxiety; in fact, that anxiety could be represented by the Eight of Swords. I feel absolutely screwed in regards to graduating, and I do think that worry paralyzed me a little bit last semester, even.

So, far from the morbid first impressions I got, it seems my deck was trying to remind me of conventional wisdom. To look for the good things that could be afoot rather than giving in to the bad emotions in this transitional period.

The Purpose of This Blog

Who am I?

I could try to answer by going on about my life story (what I remember/know of it), giving a bunch of blurbs and statistics -- my name, date of birth, place of residence...my ancestry...but it might not be enough. I could pick out a favorite color, tell you my astrological sign according to at least four different systems, tell you what they mean about me and where I agree or disagree. I could go on about my interests, I could give out random factoids about things I know, I could take an x-ray of my body and put up the scans.

Still, it might not be enough.

Generally, my answer to "Who am I?" is "I don't know." I know my name and I sort of have a general idea of my interests and history, but truthfully, I don't know. I don't know for sure what kind of person I am. And even if I did, what makes me me? What, in essence, am I? Who, in essence, am I? And the ever-fun follow-ups, why? how??

The more I think about it, the more I ruminate on my existence and its purpose or lack thereof, whether I try to look inward or outward for the answer, the more confused I become. The more questions I have over pretty shaky answers.

I think I have an idea of things, but I do not know. And not knowing, quite frankly, bothers me. Not truly knowing myself. Not truly knowing the world. Not truly knowing...anything, perhaps.

Some people seem to find their answer pretty quickly. Some find it in themselves. Some find it in their culture. Some find it in their religion. A hobby. A job. A person. That, or they find that resonates with them, go "this is good enough for me" and carry on, having whatever it is they have as their answer.

Or maybe I'm just strange in my thirst for this "answer." Maybe my wiring doesn't add up to 42 somehow, or maybe I want to know why 42. I don't know if everyone has that same itch.

In any event, I don't know the meaning of myself or the world or life.

And I want to find out.